After Getting Ass Shot Off in Iraq, Soldier & "Values Voter" Not All That Concerned With Values Anymore

U.S. Army 1st Lt. Chuck Toblerone, a veteran of two tours in the War in Iraq, is rethinking his election strategy as a "values voter" after insurgents opened fire on him last month, wounding his buttocks seven times.

"In the last two elections, I went with Bush because I appreciated the family values he stood for," Toblerone said from his hospital bed at Walter Reed Hospital. "You know, like low taxes, cheap oil and no gays. But in this next election, I think I'll go with someone who will get us out of Iraq so I don't get my ass shot off again."

Toblerone represents just one voice in a growing chorus of former evangelical and religious voters who voted overwhelmingly for Bush in 2000 and 2004, but have now decided to vote in the complete opposite direction after seeing loved ones -- or themselves -- wounded in combat.

"Look, man," Toblerone said with a grimace, "I really, really, really, really, really, really, really don't want to get shot again. That's one 'really' for each bullet in my ass. If it takes voting for Ron Paul or Dennis Kucinich to make that happen, then so be it."

Study: Elvis Sighted More Than Bin Laden in War on Terror

U.S. troops in Afghanistan and along Pakistan’s border claim to have spotted Elvis Presley during President Bush’s War on Terror more often than Al Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden, according to a recent study conducted by the Order of Organizational Psychology Specialists (OOPS).

“It’s interesting because Elvis Presley is very much deceased, while bin Laden is still very much alive and on the loose,” OOPS chief Roderick Smedley said. “Based on the data we collected, either the troops searching for bin Laden are wildly hallucinating of their own accord, or the War on Terror is causing their hallucinations. Or Elvis Presley is alive and performing nightly in Afghanistan.”

The situation, says OOPS, is even more dire than suspected. In addition to rampant Elvis sightings, troops are also claiming to see fellow deceased musicians Jerry Garcia, Dennis Wilson and Kurt Cobain more often than bin Laden, who, as mentioned earlier, has still not been caught, dead or alive.

When told of the study, Bush said, “Elvis is alive? Awesome!”

Bush Pitches Private Accounts for Homeland Security

Frustrated by the tepid response to his plan for bolstering Social Security, President Bush has shifted gears, introducing his theory of private accounts into another ailing program: Homeland Security.

As part of Bush's "ownership society," citizens will be able to set aside money from their paychecks--before taxes--if they use that money to protect their families from terrorism and nuclear holocaust. If the plan succeeds, the U.S. government will then stop protecting its borders altogether.

In related news, Halliburton Corporation recently unveiled its new line of retail bomb shelters, HAZMAT suits, gas masks and SCUD missiles.