Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Panic Sets in as Voters Realize Hillary Might Actually Get Elected
A new Reuters/NBC/Zogby/Wall Street/Main Street/Stripper Poll revealed today that, although Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton holds a substantial lead in her party's primary race, voters overwhelmingly break out in cold sweats, anxiety fits and panic attacks when told that Clinton is likely to be elected their next president.
"You've got to be shitting me," said John Cheevers, a political science teacher in Concord, N.H. "I mean, I knew she was leading in all the polls, but I was pretty sure that was just because nobody knew who the other candidates were. You're telling me she's actually going to win? I think I'm about to be sick."
Cheevers' reaction was shared with 97 percent of other likely Republican, Democratic and Independent voters, according to the poll. Clinton, who leads by as many as 20 points in Democratic polls, was widely viewed by the punditocracy as the inevitable Democratic presidential nominee, but this new poll now calls that status into question.
"Hell no, I'm not voting for her," said actor and unabashed Clinton supporter Ted Danson. "I liked her husband and everything, but she's always been such a vicious cold fish. I just told the poll people that I'd go with Hillary so Bill would stop calling me and asking for money. I actually think I might go with Giuliani."